So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
