textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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