i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
