you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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