guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize