Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
