Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize