I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
