Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
