I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
