he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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