My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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