I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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