it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
