Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Do you remember whose house we're in?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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