I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize