You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
