im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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