fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
