I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I love you. Go after that dick
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
