Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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