Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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