how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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