talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
