I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
