I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
