also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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