I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
