so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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