i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
