I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
