any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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