Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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