I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
