apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
