so explain again why im purple
no
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
