Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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