Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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