Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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