We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
