Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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