**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
