I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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