My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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