i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
