I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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