The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
