I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
