Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
