I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
This is not my ceiling
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
