NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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