just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
