What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
