I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
