Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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