i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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