sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
