My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
