i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
